It’s 50 shades of f***ed up.
As we all know, Valentine’s Day is about to rear its ugly head and creep up on us again in a mere matter of weeks. Soon we’ll be inundated with soppy outpours of love from couples who have been together for no longer than a month. Posts that will make some of us go ‘aw’ and the rest of us go ‘ew’. But of course, there are some things that will happen on this day that should not be thrust into the world of social media (unless you’re into that voyeuristic stuff).
So if you’re looking to spice up date night, maybe try your hand at one of these 10 bizarre kinky things - at your own risk of course. I will not be held responsible for the breakdown of any relationships because you tried something from this list and things got weird.
Disclaimer: these aren’t in any sort of numerical order from ‘slightly weird’ to ‘extremely concerning’, they’re all equally strange.
1. Formicophilia: a fetish which includes having insects, big or small, crawling on you. These insects can be placed on (or in) any part of the body and it can apparently be sexually stimulating for both the person putting insects on their partner and the person being crawled all over. God knows why.
2. Lactophilia: sexual pleasure derived from lactating breasts. These lactophiliacs are usually males (no surprise there).They enjoy simply watching women lactate or partaking in breastfeeding. Who says babies should have all the fun, right?
3. Agalmatophilia: sexual attraction to statues, mannequins and essentially anything else human-like that doesn’t move. Take an agalmatophiliac on a date to a museum and they’d have a field day.
4. Nebulophilia: arousal caused by fog. I really can’t see what makes that so appealing.
5. Oculolinctus: fetish of eyeball licking. Allegedly, certain parts of the eyeball are extremely sensitive, making for a ‘pleasurable experience’ (for the person being licked, I assume). Who was bored one day and decided to test the sensitivity of another’s eyeball? What was the conversation that led up to it happening? I have so many burning questions.
6. (Take a deep breath before you try and say this) Ursusagalmatophilia: simply put, being aroused by teddy bears. My 8-year-old self would be absolutely outraged by this.
7. Emetophilia: becoming aroused by vomiting or watching/hearing others vomit. In some cases, emetophiliacs enjoy being vomited on. (If you were eating food when you read this, sorry).
8. Mechanophilia: sexual arousal from machines, for example cars, motorbikes and planes. It’s risky because in some places it’s treated as a crime. So if you’re thinking of sensually rubbing up against your Corsa or putting certain body parts in places they shouldn’t be, be discreet.
9. Psychrophilia: sexual pleasure that comes from being cold or watching other people who are cold. I can only assume that winter is the best time for these folks.
10. Xylophilia: becoming aroused by wood. And no, not the type of wood you’re probably thinking about (get your minds out of the gutter). I’m talking about the stuff made from trees.